


Don't Love Me (I'm Dead)

by Milkbread_Ally



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Oikawa is dead, oikawa is a ghost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:26:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28979589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milkbread_Ally/pseuds/Milkbread_Ally
Summary: "Iwa-chan, I'm dead.""That doesn't mean I can't love you."___For a whole eighteen years, Iwaizumi Hajime's life had revolved around Oikawa Tooru.Even after Oikawa had died, some things still doesn't change.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 4





	Don't Love Me (I'm Dead)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit short but...  
> Please enjoy!  
> warning: a big portion of it is Iwaizumi crying over himself and feeling sad  
> ;-;
> 
> (might change the title cuz it literally sucks)

“Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi turned, then immediately faced forward. This had happened a billion times, and he was sure it would happen again. He tried not to turn. He really did. But his body reflexes probably has more control over him than his mind. Or perhaps, it was his mind that unconsciously -no, consciously- longed for the voice.

And its owner.

To be perfectly honest, the voice always triggered something inside of him. He had always turned, and, as much as he hated admitting it, there was still a glimmer of hope inside his chest that he would perhaps find _him_ standing in front of him when he turned.

Foolish dreams remained dreams. It never once occurred, and every time he had found himself standing frozen, staring at air.

The uncomfortable feeling in his chest started with a subtle throb, and then started to burn. It was always like that. He hears his voice, bears the unbearable pain that comes after, and then breaks down.

Sometimes, it doesn’t visit Iwaizumi often and he could live a peaceful week or two. But other times, when he felt especially upset and had dramatic mood swings, it triggered it. When that happens, Iwaizumi just sits in bed and cries his eyes out until he’s too exhausted and falls asleep. It has happened a billion times. It has happened a billion times and it never once hurt less.

Iwaizumi looked around the hallway, wanting to find a place to sit down to ease the pain. The tears prickled his eyes and he sighed at how his vision blurred. He would have to go to the restroom again so nobody would see him crying.

It sucked. It totally sucked and nobody knew how much he wanted to escape all of this more than Iwaizumi himself. Every time it hurt like shit, and despite all the pain Iwaizumi’s suffering, he got nothing in return. Not Oikawa. Not even a ghost of his shadow.

When he opened his eyes, he was already in the restroom, the water running, soothing sounds of flowing water calming him ever so slightly. Nobody else was in there and he sighed in relief. After letting the cold water dampen his hands, forehead, and neck, he lifted his head.  
He looked into the mirror, and at that instant, he realized just how pathetic he was—an exhausted man. A terrified one, continuously haunted by the past.

He could not live without Oikawa. And Oikawa wasn’t there. 

Oikawa Tooru died four years ago.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, staring at the mirror. He was going crazy. He did not know if those two words were meant for Oikawa or himself anymore. But he whispered. Then chanted. With a strange, light feeling that the phrase was going to erase him of his sins.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

_I’m sorry, Oikawa._

The voice was soothing. Like wind chimes clinging. Like the lights off the chimney. It was so familiar. So nice. But at the same time so terrifying. 

_You should be._

\----

Iwaizumi lay in bed and let the world around him spin.

He listened to the fan’s occasional flapping sound while staring at the ceiling. The skin around his eyes was burning due to him violently rubbing them several minutes ago. He reached up to touch the skin and felt the sticky tears, still half-dry but impossibly cold. 

How can someone possibly cry cold tears, he thought bitterly. If Oikawa was still around, he would definitely tease him for it. _Iwa-chan has cold tears because his heart is just as cold!_

He left university in a hurry. He did not want to break down in the hallway and have someone carry him on a stretcher to the hospital. Iwaizumi let out a heavy sigh and decided to call Hanamaki. He was always there, listening, no matter when or why Iwaizumi called.

Hanamaki picked up after the first ring. “Iwaizumi?”

“Hanamaki.” Iwaizumi flinched at how broken and hollow he sounded.

“What happened?” Hanamaki asked, sounding worried, probably alarmed by the weariness in Iwaizumi’s voice. “Did the hallucinations get worse?”

Iwaizumi paused. “It has never gotten better, anyways.” He flipped himself over in the bed, now staring at the wall instead of the ceiling.

There was a long time of silence. “I hate to say this, Iwaizumi,” Hanamaki said with a sad tone, and Iwaizumi frowned. “But…”

“But what?”

“But it’s been four years.” Iwaizumi could hear Hanamaki’s slow, heavy breaths from the phone. He wondered why. “I’m sorry. I miss Oikawa, too. But you have to get over this. You can’t let it continue tormenting you like this. Look at what you’ve become.”

Hanamaki had never been so bold before and it felt like a thousand daggers in Iwaizumi’s heart. _You think I don’t want to? I want to get over this, too._ Hanamaki had known Iwaizumi and Oikawa long enough to know that he was just _unable_ to get over it, no matter how hard he tried.

_But it’s been four years._

In the past four years, there had been nothing but Oikawa Tooru in Iwaizumi Hajime’s head. His entire life had revolved around one person. Even after the person passed away, he was still Iwaizumi’s center.

“I’ll call you later.”

He did not wait for Hanamaki’s reply before he ended the call.

Immediately after, he received a notification. _Three new messages from Hanamaki Takahiro_

Hanamaki must have come to apologize. Iwaizumi didn’t feel like being apologized at all but still clicked into it anyway.

_I’m so sorry, Iwaizumi. I was too harsh._

_I hope you can forgive me. And that soon you would gather yourself up._

_See you at uni._

Iwaizumi put his phone down just when another notification showed up again.

He growled in annoyance and picked the phone up to see who exactly it was, and then froze, and then his eyes widened. He could feel it. Impossibly, impossibly wide.

_One new message from Oikawa Tooru_

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is like SO unplanned.  
> I knew I had to work on chapter 5 of Break but this idea just suddenly popped into my head and I _had_ to write it.  
> I hope it isn't as shitty as I think it is cuz I literally churned this out on a school night :D  
> This probably won't be a long fic, I'll probably make it about ten chapters or so. But the next chapters will surely be longer than this one.  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> Thank you SO much for being here!


End file.
